Fiction | The Parable of the Lady who doesn’t Fart

Long, long ago, during the days of the great Macows. When the earth shook of wisdom, down to its knee. During the days where great and sincere intellectuals were easy to come by, like sands on the beach.

A group of intellectual itinerants were particularly famous. They roamed Siaulai and had occasional and fecund lectures on the hill of crosses.

The gang was led by a frail, hoary man, whom for hierarchical purpose was called The Capo. No one knows The Capo’s age, his mother, nor his father. He always wore a pallid look. He was not too tall, and not too short, not too fat, and not too thin. It’s difficult to place Capo in a bracket, so I will pass. And Oh! His beards. His moustache too, like the horns of a bison. It was an amazing sight.

He disappeared a long time ago. Mysteriously. They said he was eaten by a Sumatran tiger. But I don’t believe. No one had ever seen a Sumatran tiger in the province. The truth is nobody knows the truth.

The Capo had a slew of parables in the Mayam – bukud awas dasifu calso (the parable of drums of wisdom); bukud awas da geduin gatzii (the parable of the man who never sleeps) bukud awas daiin jods beej (parable of the dark skies), and to be candid, the list can go on forever. Mayam is a 5000-page tome, and one could comfortably call it a Bible for the people of Siaulai.

My favorite chapter in Mayam is the book of Capo, Chapter II. It contained one of the most popular lessons among the Mindaugas, a South Western province in Siaulai, till this day it is taught to kids. I stumbled on a copy in my garage and I was able to translate it to English for the internet people. Please note, where the exact meaning of the word does not exist in English, I chose words that ultimately watered down the meaning of the text. A due price payed for such delicate language translation, if you ask me.

Here are the words of the Mayam.

Capo 2 verses .I – .X

.I In the land of the Samogitians, there were those who fart and there were those who don’t. The latter were called the fartless.

.II A rich man had waited too long to be married. He insisted, ‘I want a fartless woman.’ His ambition was so entrenched, it took him to neighboring towns in Mindaugas.

.III After years of futile search, age continued to rear its ugly head. He began to lose hope of a fartless woman. But hope was resurrected on the eve of the month of Seth. A Samogitian woman stepped in.

.IV And she claimed. A claim. She lacked the ability to fart, she just couldn’t do it. ‘I have tried, I have tried so hard,’ she said, ‘I just couldn’t do it.’

.V They courted.

.VI The rich man was skeptical by nature. Skeptical like that. He paid attention. Close attention. Walks. Dinners. Picnics. And all sort. No sound. No smell. Again. No sound. No smell. As each day goes by his confidence increases. The evidences were too convincing. Too convincing to be ignored.

.VII They got married

.VII On the first night after the marriage, the rich man went out for the rite of the night, led by the Madama, the town’s chief priest. The wife proceeded into the restroom to freshen up.

.VIII Halfway into the journey, he noticed he forgot his Tura, a divination cloth he needed to wear during the rite. He rushed back home on his almost torpid horse.

.IX As he opened the door, he got this awkward sensation telling him something was rotten. He shook it off, took a step. And another. Then he got hit really bad by this stormy, quite unbelievable, quite putrefied odor just enough to choke a new born baby to death. Before he could utter a word, the wife, unaware of her newly-wedded husband’s presence, engaged in another round of what we can call an endless bombastic fart session.

.X He froze in motion.

.XI Capo ended his famous parable by saying the following words: “Verily, verily I say unto you the presence of an absence does not prove absence.”

.XII To make matter worse, Capo continued, “And there are no ways to prove absence.”

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